Obama Warns of Mass Death if Race Goes to Convention

NEAR EARTH NEWS – PITTSBURGH – On the eve of the pivotal Pennsylvania Democratic primary, Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., made the startling assertion Monday that should Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., continue to pursue the nomination all the way to the party’s convention in August, thousands of Democratic activists, leaders, and delegates would cease to exist.

According to Obama, if his “positively-charged” campaign collides with Clinton’s “negative” campaign, electron-positron annihilation will occur, erasing him, Sen. Clinton, and their entire campaign staffs and surrogates from our universe.

“How could I know,” said Obama in Monday’s press conference in Pittsburgh, “that as I mounted a positive campaign of hope and a belief in a better America, that Senator Clinton, with her smears, her attacks, and her divisiveness, would launch a campaign that had a perfect negative correlation to my own? Had I foreseen this eventuality, I may have lessened the degree of love and enthusiasm I brought to this campaign, if only to save the many thousands that will surely die if Senator Clinton opts to bring her electronegative campaign to Denver.”

“In case you’re curious,” added Obama, “that correlation is mathematically represented by a negative-1.”

Asked about the scientific validity of Obama’s claims, University of Virginia political science professor Larry Sabato said, “Well, you see, I’m a political scientist, not a physical scientist, so I don’t know that I can, with any expertise, ratify the senator’s claims.”

“But I’ll give it a go,” Sabato continued. “For annihilation to occur, the collision must satisfy, first, the conservation of charge, which seems to me to have been pretty well established. Let’s be honest – Barack Obama is a saint, while Senator Clinton is a bloodthirsty demon, almost other-dimensional.

Sabato explained that the collision must also satisfy the conservation of linear momentum. “Both candidates are able to claim almost equal degrees of momentum, as Senator Obama racks up superdelegate support and Senator Clinton wins late-voting large states,” concluded Sabato. “Yes, I do believe we are all in great peril.”

Prodded as to whether his own presence is not an equal danger as Sen. Clinton’s, Obama explained that his campaign’s recent trends toward negative ads is not an attempt to bring down Sen. Clinton per se, but are in fact meant to “lessen the casualties” at the convention in August.

“Clearly, Senator Clinton has no intention of toning down the vitriol,” said Obama, “so for the sake of all our lives, it is up to us to meet her, at least part way.”

Asked to comment on these assertions, Clinton communications chief Howard Wolfson said in a statement, “The voters should be more concerned that the movement behind Sen. Obama’s candidacy, with its hordes of Internet-savvy young people and intellectual elites, will coalesce into a singularity, a hyper-intelligence that will enslave humanity, feeding off our proteins and charging us with the upkeep and maintenance of their pan-stellar network. That doesn’t sound like the politics of hope to me.”

When confronted on the charges made by Wolfson, Obama replied, “The singularity hyper-intelligence? Oh, yes. That will happen. I assumed you knew that already. You fools.”

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::