All Hope is Lost

America is in a horrific state of emergency, more terrifying than you can imagine. I have often suspected it, but something I saw tonight confirmed my darkest nightmares. I grieve to inform my gentle readers that there is no talent left in American politics.

Just watch, and then read on.

It’s even worse than you thought it would be, isn’t it?

Imagine this for a moment, and then shudder at its aching truth: people who make far more than you or I do, people making six figures per month, people with advanced degrees, people at the very apex of the political mountain, let. This. Happen.

It was not enough simply to conceive of the idea and then gestate it somewhat in their minds. No, they took the three people who have any chance of being our next president, and made them perform it in front of millions of people. On the eve of a primary election no less.

Listen. The chief strategists, the top writers, the message gurus of all three presidential campaigns, all came to the same conclusion: this was a good idea.

Watch it again. Come on, I dare you. Watch this crap again.

I don’t understand, but I want to. Did the campaigns’ top writing talent gather in a room, fire up their imaginations, pine for inspiration, and then shoot themselves in the mouth? Did sentient adults decide, yes, let’s make absolutely certain our candidate comes across as awkward and out of touch, delivering the stern message: “America, I have no idea what the fuck’s what.” Whatever we do, they must have said, we must make sure the candidate is ill-prepared, half-assed, and near death.

Let me repeat: all talent in American politics is gone. If you hold within you any desire to work in the rough and tumble world of professional politics, now is the time. Obviously, monkeys with Alzheimer’s are all there is left to choose from, so all you need be able to do is either

• Tie your shoe on the second or third go
• Pass a quiz on the contents of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, given a week or so to study.

Pass that threshold and you will have Washington eating out of the palm of your hand, even if you have not washed it.

But also, America, mourn.

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