President Clinton Announces Candidacy for President

LITTLE ROCK (NEAR EARTH NEWS) – In a move that shocked the political world, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he would seek the Democratic Party’s nomination for president.

Gripping the sides of a lectern bedecked with the official presidential seal, just outside the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Ark., Mr. Clinton told the assembled crowd of press and dignitaries, “The contest between Sen. Clinton and Sen. Obama has gone on too long, and has done far too much damage to our party. We have now reached a point at which Sen. McCain will have no problem seizing the presidency for himself, as he awkwardly limps and hobbles his way to electoral victory in November.”

“What the party needs now is someone who embodies the best of our other two candidates – now my opponents,” said Mr. Clinton, biting his lower lip and smirking. “We need someone with the experience and political know-how of Sen. Clinton, and we need someone with the charisma and ability to inspire possessed by Sen. Obama. In all these respects, I easily trump them both.”

“Our party must be unified. Therefore, I officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States.”

Mr. Clinton’s candidacy immediately posed several questions, both political and constitutional. Asked by one reporter how he could square his own race for the White House with that of his wife’s, Clinton gave reassurances that he had Sen. Clinton’s blessing, saying, “Hillary knows that I’m doing what’s best for the country, and should she be our party’s nominee, she will have my full support.”

“Of course,” he continued while laughing to himself, “Sen. Obama will not, but let’s be honest, there’s not much chance of that guy winning now, now is there?”

The U.S. Constitution allows presidents to serve only two terms, which Mr. Clinton has already done. Clinton brushed these concerns aside, however, saying, “Come on, now. No one seriously believes that my first term counts. I mean, I ran against two guys, for one thing. I mean, who knows how things would have went down had Perot not been in the race. That was just weird. And second, no one could seriously call my first term a ‘presidency.’ The GOP takeover of the Congress, Hillary’s health care thingy, gays in the military. I mean, come on, seriously, what was that?”

“No way that counts,” said the former president.

Never one to hold a major event empty-handed, Mr. Clinton had already collected a great swath of superdelegates pledged to support him, including Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., Sen. Carl Levin, D-Mich., Gov. Brian Schweitzer, D-Mont., and Rep. Rahm Emmanuel, D-Ill. More are expected to jump ship from the campaigns of Sens. Clinton and Obama. Most notably included within this cadre of supporters was former senator John Edwards who, when asked about his reasons for backing the former two-term president, said, “Screw those other guys, and screw this party. Both Americas can blow me.”

The fates of many of Sen. Clinton’s supporters who are also loyal to President Clinton are unknown, though there are early unconfirmed reports that research has begun on the cloning of Terry McAuliffe.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::