His creepiness Pope Benedict XVI is going to resign at the end of the month, and before anybody gets any ideas, I want to throw my hat into the ring to be the new guy wearing the giant, ridiculous hat.
Why Paul for Pope? I’ll lend an unprecedented breath of fresh air to a decaying institution, as the first Pope to actually admit his own atheism. I’ll enforce particular pieces of Catholic dogma that suit me personally, and ignore the others. I’ll make up new bits of dogma that have to do with things like what TV shows are using up valuable bandwidth, and user-interface directives for touch-screen devices.
Oh, and I’ll put an immediate end to the church’s tolerance and enabling of sexual assault; its treatment of women as second-class; its adherence to Bronze Age notions of morality; its hoarding of wealth for no purpose but its own aggrandizement (except for me, of course); its persecution of homosexuals; its intentional miseducation of developing nations ravaged by ignorance, overpopulation, superstition, starvation, and illness; and its utter failure to promote the ascension of robot-human hybrids.
That’s right. And I already have my pompous, latinate-sounding pope-name all picked out, and I have a visual representation of it put together for me by Justin Sapp (the designer guy who made this blog’s banner) back in 2005 when the church was mulling over electing Ratzinger:
Pope Optimus Prime the First.
Beat that. Your move, bishops.