Dear Roman Catholics: Pick Me!

His creepiness Pope Benedict XVI is going to resign at the end of the month, and before anybody gets any ideas, I want to throw my hat into the ring to be the new guy wearing the giant, ridiculous hat.
Why Paul for Pope? I’ll lend an unprecedented breath of fresh air to a decaying institution, as the first Pope to actually admit his own atheism. I’ll enforce particular pieces of Catholic dogma that suit me personally, and ignore the others. I’ll make up new bits of dogma that have to do with things like what TV shows are using up valuable bandwidth, and user-interface directives for touch-screen devices.

Oh, and I’ll put an immediate end to the church’s tolerance and enabling of sexual assault; its treatment of women as second-class; its adherence to Bronze Age notions of morality; its hoarding of wealth for no purpose but its own aggrandizement (except for me, of course); its persecution of homosexuals; its intentional miseducation of developing nations ravaged by ignorance, overpopulation, superstition, starvation, and illness; and its utter failure to promote the ascension of robot-human hybrids.

That’s right. And I already have my pompous, latinate-sounding pope-name all picked out, and I have a visual representation of it put together for me by Justin Sapp (the designer guy who made this blog’s banner) back in 2005 when the church was mulling over electing Ratzinger:

Pope Optimus Prime the First.

optimuspaul

Beat that. Your move, bishops.

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13 thoughts on “Dear Roman Catholics: Pick Me!

  1. The cardinals should elect Jesus H. Christ as pope. After all, they claim that he rose from the dead, and is still alive – somewhere.

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  2. You really think you’re going to fool the rubes with that crappy CGI? Get Michael Bay on your team and I’ll take you seriously.
    You need young people to make your papacy work, and they’re not likely to go for Atari-era visual effects. A modern Church needs modern shiny diversions.

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  3. Raging Bee:
    Michael Bay? What, you want exploding popes? I’m down with that.
    They’d be somewhat equivalent of the drummers for Spinal Tap.

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  4. Once I am King, I will personally appoint you Pope. If the college of cardinals objects, I will declare war on Vatican City. All shall bow before us.

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  5. PapaRatzi was not the one rotten apple. He was not the fly in the ointment. He was a fly in a shitpile full of other flies. So if you can get handpicked as a possible successor, then please do so, but pick a more appropriate regnomen: Megatron I.

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